Have you ever stopped to think about how much permission you give other people to influence your life? Not necessarily because they ask for it, but because, somewhere along the way, you allow them to have a say in things that perhaps should be yours to decide. I have been thinking about this since someone responded to my blog, Entitlement, that I published last week. They made an interesting observation. “Sometimes people simply don’t know that they are loved differently. Sometimes the toxicity may actually be with the recipient.” And sometimes we give over our lives to other people, allowing them to believe that they are entitled to take charge. That last part got me thinking.
How often do we give people permission to become so involved in our lives that they eventually begin to believe they have a right to make decisions for us? And do we sometimes contribute to that without even recognising what we are doing? Think about it for a moment. Perhaps it starts with something small. We ask someone what they think before making a decision. We seek their approval before doing something we want to do. We change our plans because they might be disappointed. We explain ourselves when we really don’t have to. Before long, we find ourselves considering how someone else will react before we even consider what we want. And when did that become normal? Is it because we value their opinions? Is it because we don’t want to disappoint them? Or is it that we have become so accustomed to putting other people’s feelings ahead of our own that we no longer recognise when we are giving away too much?
I don’t think this always happens because someone is deliberately trying to control us. Sometimes, it is the pattern we have established in a relationship. We have always been available. We have always consulted them. We have always made room for their opinions, even when those opinions were not necessarily invited. And perhaps, over time, they have come to expect it. But does that mean we have to continue? I also think we need to be careful about how we interpret people’s behaviour. Not everyone who loves us expresses that love in a way we understand. Sometimes, people genuinely believe they are helping. Sometimes, their advice comes from a place of concern, even when it doesn’t come across that way. And sometimes, what we interpret as interference may simply be someone trying to show that they care. But there is a difference between someone caring about us and someone taking responsibility for our lives. There is also a difference between accepting advice and allowing someone to make our decisions.
Perhaps we need to look at ourselves as well. Are we sometimes the ones who invite people into spaces where they have no business making decisions? Do we give people so much access to our personal lives that we forget we are allowed to have some things that belong only to us? And what happens when we eventually decide that we want that back? I suspect that is where things can become uncomfortable.
People become accustomed to what we allow. When we suddenly begin making our own decisions, saying no, keeping certain things private, or choosing not to explain ourselves, the reaction may not always be pleasant. Some may feel that we have changed. Others may feel excluded. And some may even question why they are no longer being consulted. But perhaps we have changed. Perhaps we have finally recognised that we have been giving away more of ourselves than we intended.
I wonder how many of us have found ourselves in situations where we knew what we wanted to do but still waited for someone else’s approval. How many times have we stayed quiet because we didn’t want to upset someone? How many times have we agreed to something that didn’t sit well with us simply because saying no would create an uncomfortable situation? And why do we do that?
Is it love? Is it loyalty? Is it fear of losing someone? Or have we simply become so used to accommodating others that we have forgotten that our own feelings and needs matter too?
I don’t believe that taking responsibility for our part in a relationship means accepting blame for someone else’s behaviour. Someone else’s decision to manipulate, control, or disregard our boundaries is still their responsibility. But perhaps there is value in recognising the things we can change about how we participate in these relationships. We cannot always determine how people will treat us, but we can give some thought to what we continue to accept. And maybe that is what I find most interesting about this conversation. Sometimes, we spend so much time questioning why someone believes they are entitled to a place in our lives that we forget to ask ourselves how much authority we have handed over.
When did we start believing that we needed permission to make decisions about our own lives? When did someone’s disappointment become more important than our own happiness? When did we start feeling guilty for choosing something that we know is right for us? I am not suggesting that we stop listening to people or that we should become so independent that we shut everyone out. We need people. We need relationships. We need advice, support, love, and sometimes someone who is willing to tell us when we are getting things wrong. But there must be a balance.
We can appreciate someone’s presence without giving them control. We can listen without necessarily agreeing. We can love people without allowing them to determine how we should live. And we can acknowledge that perhaps we have given someone too much authority without allowing that realisation to become another reason to blame ourselves. Maybe it is time we started giving ourselves permission. Permission to make mistakes. Permission to change our minds. Permission to say no. Permission to make decisions without having to seek approval. Permission to grow into the people we want to become, even if that means some people may not understand the choices we make. And perhaps most importantly, permission to take responsibility for our own lives.
I don’t think we should underestimate how difficult that can be, particularly when certain patterns have existed for years. But recognising that we have a choice is perhaps a good place to start. So, let me ask you something. Have you ever given someone so much influence over your life that you eventually found yourself needing their approval to make your own decisions? Have you ever had to take a step back and recognise that perhaps you had allowed someone to become too involved? And when you decided to take back that space, how did they respond? I would really love to hear your thoughts. Because perhaps the question isn’t always why people feel entitled to have control over our lives. Perhaps sometimes we also need to ask ourselves why we keep giving them permission. Take care of yourself, be mindful of the space you give others in your life, and remember that you are allowed to have a say in how your own life unfolds. Until next time take care of yourself and remember that your peace matters too. Take a deep dive on this blog on YouTube: https://youtu.be/oUDm6SGd4H8
See you soon! Join me again next Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. (Bogotá time) for another reflection on life, faith, growth, and the lessons we learn along the way. If this week’s reflection encouraged you, there are many more thoughtful reflections in my book, “Thoughts on Life”, now available.
Before you go, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below. Share your thoughts with someone who might be asking the same questions. Every perspective is valuable, and your insights often help me see things in a completely different way. If you’re not comfortable commenting publicly, feel free to reach out to me through any medium. I’d love to hear from you.
Your feedback not only encourages me, but it may also inspire a future blog and help someone else who reads it. You never know how your words might make a difference.
Remember, life is meant to be lived, so always strive to live your best life.
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