I can’t remember where I saw a version of this statement: “Forgiving people that hurt you doesn’t mean that you have to keep their toxicity in your life.” But I remember the message, because it is so true. Sometimes, we get caught up in the idea that when we forgive someone who has hurt us, we must continue to keep that person close to us. We forgive, we move on, and we try to maintain the relationship as though nothing happened. We tell ourselves that this is what forgiveness looks like. But is it?
Why should forgiving someone mean that we must continue to put ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable, unhappy, stressed, or even anxious? Why should we have to keep opening the door to the same hurt simply because we have decided not to hold on to the pain? For me, it makes no sense.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to give someone continued access to your life. Think about it for a moment. We all have enough things to deal with in our own lives. There are responsibilities, challenges, decisions to make, and sometimes just the everyday business of trying to keep everything together. So why should we willingly invite additional stress into our lives?
Why should I have anxiety when I am not having personal issues of my own? Why should your problems become my problems? Why should I have to carry your pain and suffering as though they belong to me? Of course, we should care about people. We should be there for those we love, and we should offer support when we can. Life is not always easy, and there are times when we all need someone to lean on. But there is a difference between supporting someone and allowing their behaviour to negatively affect your peace. And I think this is where we sometimes get it wrong. We become so concerned about being there for others that we forget to be there for ourselves.
Their problems become your problems. You know the people I am talking about. The ones who blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Nothing is ever their fault. Someone else is always responsible, even when the situation has absolutely nothing to do with you. Their actions create a problem, but somehow, you find yourself being blamed for the consequences.
How does that happen? How does a situation that you had nothing to do with suddenly become your responsibility? And why do you find yourself explaining, defending, and justifying yourself when you know that you did nothing wrong?
Sometimes, you spend so much time trying to make someone else understand that you are not responsible for their problems that you lose sight of what is happening to you in the process. You become frustrated. You become anxious. You start questioning yourself. You replay conversations in your mind, wondering what you could have done differently or whether you somehow contributed to the situation. And before you know it, someone else’s problem has become a source of stress in your own life. Isn’t that exhausting?
I have come to realise that not every problem requires my involvement, and not every accusation requires a response. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is recognise that a situation does not belong to you and allow the person responsible to deal with it. That does not mean you do not care. It simply means that you understand where your responsibility ends. We cannot keep taking ownership of things that we did not create.
Then there are the naysayers. The people who always have something negative to say, who find fault with everything, and who seem to drain the energy out of every room they enter. You can start a conversation in a good mood and leave it feeling as though you have run a marathon. You can share something that makes you happy, only to have someone find a reason why you should not be happy about it. You can have a good day, and somehow, after spending time with certain people, that good feeling disappears. Have you ever experienced that? I am not suggesting that everyone must always be positive or that we should avoid people simply because they are going through a difficult time. We all have difficult days. We all need to vent sometimes, and we all need someone who will listen without judging us. But there is a difference between someone having a difficult season and someone consistently bringing negativity, blame, and unnecessary conflict into your life.
There is also a difference between being a listening ear and becoming the permanent dumping ground for someone else’s frustrations. At what point do we recognise that the relationship is no longer healthy for us? Stress is not good for the body, and constantly living in a state of tension can take a toll on our well-being. We spend so much time trying to manage other people’s moods, reactions, and problems that we sometimes forget to ask ourselves a simple question: What is this relationship costing me? Is it costing me my peace of mind? My happiness? My ability to enjoy the good things happening in my life? And if it is, why do I feel obligated to keep allowing it? When stepping away makes you disloyal. This is an interesting one. Sometimes, when you decide that you have had enough and begin to step back, you become the problem. Suddenly, you are disloyal. You have changed. You are no longer the person you used to be. You are accused of abandoning someone who needs you, or you are made to feel guilty because you are no longer available to absorb the same behaviour you once tolerated.
It is amazing how quickly things can change when you stop playing the role that others have become accustomed to. But I have to ask: what does loyalty really mean? Does loyalty mean that you must remain available regardless of how you are treated? Does it mean that you must continue to sacrifice your comfort and happiness to prove that you care? Does it mean that you must accept behaviour that hurts you simply because you have known someone for a long time or because you share a history? I do not think so. Loyalty should flow both ways. It should include consideration, respect, honesty, and an understanding that the other person has feelings too. You cannot continually disregard someone’s feelings and then expect that person to remain available to you without question.
And yet, sometimes that is exactly what happens. I have also come to understand that not everyone will agree with the boundaries you establish. Some people may not understand your decision to step away, and others may never accept it. But does their disagreement mean that your decision is wrong? I think we sometimes spend too much time trying to convince people to understand our choices when we should be spending that time living with the choices we know are right for us. Not every decision needs to be defended. Not every boundary needs to be explained repeatedly. Sometimes, you simply have to make peace with the fact that someone may not like the decision you have made for your own well-being. And that has to be okay.
It took me a while to get to this point. For a long time, I think we can become so accustomed to being there for people that stepping back feels uncomfortable. We wonder whether we are being selfish. We question whether we should give the situation another chance or try a little harder.
Perhaps we think that if we explain ourselves one more time, things will change. And sometimes, relationships do improve. People listen, reflect, take responsibility, and make an effort to do better. We should always leave room for growth where there is genuine willingness to change. But what happens when the same things keep happening? When the conversations lead nowhere? When you find yourself going around in circles, dealing with the same issues and experiencing the same hurt? At some point, you have to ask yourself how much more you are willing to accept. I have reached a place where I am more comfortable stepping back and focusing on myself and my life. I no longer feel that I must remain in every situation or maintain every relationship at the expense of my own peace.
And I can do that without regrets. That does not mean that I hate anyone. It does not mean that I wish anyone harm. It simply means that I recognise that I have a life to live, and I want to live it without unnecessary drama, stress, and anxiety. I can forgive someone without inviting them back into my inner circle. I can wish someone well without being involved in their everyday life. I can care about someone and still recognise that distance is necessary. And perhaps most importantly, I can choose peace without feeling that I owe anyone an apology for doing so.
There is a certain freedom that comes when you stop feeling responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings about your decisions. You begin to understand that choosing yourself does not automatically mean that you are choosing against someone else. Sometimes, you are simply choosing what is best for you.
So, how do we get away from toxicity? I do not believe there is one answer that works for every situation. Relationships are complicated, and what works for one person may not work for another. Sometimes, stepping away may mean having an honest conversation and explaining what you can no longer accept. Sometimes, it means establishing boundaries around the conversations you have, the time you spend together, or the responsibilities you are willing to take on. Other times, it may mean reducing contact or ending the relationship altogether, particularly when the behaviour continues and there is no genuine effort to change. And sometimes, the first step is simply learning to say no. No, I cannot take this on for you. No, I am not going to participate in this argument. No, I will not accept being blamed for something I did not do. No, I cannot continue to make myself uncomfortable just to keep you comfortable. These are not necessarily easy things to say. We may feel guilty, especially when the person involved is someone we love or someone who has been part of our lives for many years. But perhaps we need to remind ourselves that boundaries are not punishments. They are a way of deciding what we can accept and what we cannot. We cannot control how other people behave, what they think of us, or whether they choose to take responsibility for their actions. We can, however, decide how we respond and how much access we allow them to have to our lives. And we do not have to wait until we are completely exhausted before making that decision. I think that is something worth remembering.
Life is already challenging enough without deliberately holding on to relationships that leave us feeling drained, unhappy, and unsettled. We deserve relationships where care goes both ways. Where we can be honest without fear of being blamed. Where our feelings matter too. Where being loyal does not mean losing ourselves in the process. And if a relationship cannot offer that, perhaps we need to consider whether keeping it close is really necessary.
Forgiveness may free us from holding on to the hurt, but boundaries help us decide what we allow back into our lives. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive. So, I will leave you with these questions. Are there people in your life whose behaviour consistently leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or unhappy? Have you ever felt guilty for stepping away from someone, even though you knew the relationship was affecting your peace? And how do you decide when it is time to stop trying to fix a situation and simply let it go?
Listen to a deep dive of this blog on YouTube- https://youtu.be/o3Lpv5ytumg
Until next time take care of yourself and remember that your peace matters too. See you soon! Join me again next Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. (Bogotá time) for another reflection on life, faith, growth, and the lessons we learn along the way. If this week’s reflection encouraged you, there are many more thoughtful reflections in my book, “Thoughts on Life”, now available.
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Remember, life is meant to be lived, so always strive to live your best life.
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